hello, I’m bored out of my mind.
Which is probably why I started thinking about a whole lot of things. But let’s start with the basis on why I stopped. I stopped writing after what I can say was my worst relationship (thus far). For those who have known me long enough, there have been 3 major relationships that have affected me and somewhat shaped me to who I am today (in terms of relationships, mostly).
Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. For a long time, I struggled in forgiving you. You treated me the worst, the absolute worst. I had to second guess myself every single time I was with you. I had to compete with public figures (bloody hell, they didn’t even know about your existence.), who you said were your type, who you explicitly said you would cheat on me if you ever met them (funny thing is that you actually did cheat on me, but with someone else). Even after you cheated and I forgave you, you never made the effort to make me feel secure again. You just assumed that I would forgive and forget. For a period of time I actually convinced myself that it was better this way. Me! You would disappear for hours, saying that you were playing mahjong and could not reply (absolute bullshit in my opinion). I had to pretend to be someone else whenever I was with you, you made my family issues seem so minute. You made me feel as though I was crazy. I became this insecure, psycho girlfriend and that’s what you used to break up with me (later did I know it’s because I did not want to inherit my dad’s company and thus you assumed that I would be penniless). And you know what’s the worst part of it all? Compared to my previous relationships I put in the most effort for ours. Even when doing long-distance, I made the effort to stay up despite the time difference, staying up late/waiting for hours to skype with you even though I had 8am class the next day just to talk to you for 15mins because you wanted to play mahjong; planning your birthday weeks in advance so that you would get your present shipped from Australia in time; sending you food all the way from Aussie when you were sick; travelling all the way to your home even though it would take me 1.5hrs. And you couldn’t even come to the East to find me when I was staying with my Aunt when my own father had hit me? You couldn’t even be there for me during my mother’s death anniversary?
Yes, you were not a terrible person. But you were someone who did not know if you wanted to be in a relationship. And I was collateral damage from your fickleness. I put in so much into our relationship and even though my previous beaus did terrible things, they never made me feel insufficient during the relationship. Everyone was right: you don’t deserve me.
You know what I’ve realised after all this time? I don’t need to forgive you. No. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate you. That takes too much effort. Am I over you? Definitely. But do I wish you well? Let’s just say if I ever saw you get hit over by a bus, I won’t be the one calling for the ambulance. You were horrible and I have so many repercussions from your careless actions. I know they say that you should never let your past relationships define you, and I am a firm believer of it. Yet I know because of what you did, there are consequences to the way I act now. The way I think, the way I interact with new people, how I protect myself. It’s ridiculous. I absolutely detest the way I was, how I acted when I was with you. I am absolutely disgusted with my actions and how I begged you to stay. I begged you to stay, can you imagine that. So no, I don’t need to forgive you. But there is someone I do need to forgive, myself.
I need to stop beating myself up for the way I acted. Was I the best? No. I lost myself after us. I became that psycho girl I laugh at these days. I feel like hypocrite when I laugh because I was once like them. I need to stop attacking myself for not handling it better, for not standing for myself, for not having the strength to walk away. I need to stop letting the consequences of your actions affect me. I am so much better now, I am so much happier now and I know when I think about the girl I once was, I am so harsh on her. I need to stop, take a step back and breathe. And accept that she was once a part of me, and that it was okay. That the me when I was with you was just someone who was so blinded by the thought that we would be together for the long run that I would have done anything to make you stay. How spineless and how sad. For wishing you all the best after the breakup, for making sure that you were okay when all I wanted to do was fall apart everyday. How naive I was. But that’s okay. I have always been so harsh on myself, pushing me to do better, be better. It’s time to accept that I am human too, that I can be blinded by emotions and make mistakes that may cost me so much. But what’s lost can be found, right? So for today at least, for now, I accept the person I once was. And for now, that’s enough.
thoughts of a hooman bean 